The Pension Problem

The retirement benefits of government workers have been in the news a lot lately. I've heard more noise than substance. Today I want to talk about some of these plans and why they are a problem in need of a solution.

Retirement plans come in two flavors: defined benefit or defined contribution. To understand the problem, you need to understand the difference between the two. If you already understand the difference, skip the next two paragraphs!

With a defined contribution plan you contribute every month to a tax-deferred retirement plan--like a 401(k) or 403(b). Your employer may match some or all your contributions or otherwise contribute to the plan on your behalf. After a few years (usually seven) you are 'vested' and the employer-provided portion belongs to you. Then you keep working until you save up enough money to last until you die.

With a defined benefit plan, the employer promises to provide a salary for life. Depending on the plan, you may or may not be required to contribute a portion of your earnings. Generally you work for so many years and then receive a retirement benefit based on a formula, such as the average of your three highest years of earnings. Most plans also include annual cost of living increases.

Defined benefit plans came about at a time when most people tended to work for the same employer for life. The plans were cheap for employers because few workers lived to retirement age. Those who did live long enough to retire tended to die shortly thereafter. The dramatic increase in life expectancy over the last five decades made defined benefit plans huge liabilities for employers.

Many defined benefit plans allow workers to retire after 30 years of service. Start the job at 22 and retire 30 years later and you will easily cost the employer more in retirement than you did when you worked. When that employer is a city, county, state or federal entity, the rest of us foot the bill.

Today defined benefit plans survive primarily in the government sector and in selected industries with strong unions. A few large corporations with defined benefit plans and strong unions were forced into bankruptcy. Everybody else shifted to defined contribution plans years ago.

Solving the pension problem is tricky. Nobody wants out of a defined benefit plan. Unless other provisions are made for individuals approaching retirement, it's not fair to just pull the rug out from under older workers.

Part of the solution is to require workers under a certain age (say 30) to participate in a defined contribution plan. When it comes to saving, time is definitely on your side. Defined contribution plans offer an incentive because the more you save, the sooner you can quit working.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have both types of plans. Most my retirement income (unless my book hits the bestseller list)will come from money stashed consistently over many years in one of several tax-deferred accounts. In addition to Social Security, I have ten years of federal service from a prior job that will likely add less than a couple of hundred dollars a month to my retirement income.

I'll admit the idea of having to save up enough money for a comfortable retirement was intimidating. Having now contributed to a tax-deferred retirement plan for more than three decades, what once looked impossible is now within reach. Retirement is more than just a dream for...

The Crotchety Old Man

The Day the Music Died

My first music came on 45 RPMs that I listened to on a turntable that when not in use, closed up to look like a little suitcase. Most the discs in my collection were passed down from an older cousin. I remember "Big Girls Don't Cry" was a particular favorite.

Eventually I graduated to LPs, aka 33 1/3 RPM records. Carole King's Tapestry was the first album in a collection that eventually numbered several hundred. By then I had replaced the suitcase with a unit that included an eight-track player/recorder so I could make my own mixed tapes.

Before long eight-tracks gave way to cassette tapes. Having been burned buying now unplayable eight-track tapes, I bought very few cassettes. Nearly all the cassette tapes I ever had were poorly made homemade copies of music I had on albums.

Next thing you know, cassette tapes had been replaced by compact discs. At the time you couldn't make your own. I stuck to buying albums until they became almost impossible to find.

I lost all my albums (it's a long story), got rid of my turntable and started buying CDs. I ended up with thousands (another long story)--most I never listened to or simply didn't like. I picked out the hundred or so I did like and let a student sell the rest online for half the proceeds.

When I got my MP3 player, we burned all the CDs onto the harddrive on my desktop computer. Over the next couple of years the CD players on my living room stereo and in my car quit working. The desktop died, too.

My MP3 player has maybe 60 songs on it, the newest recorded sometime before 2005. For some reason it seems to play the same 20 songs over and over again. I only use it for the FM radio to listen to NPR while I'm working in the yard.

The only new music I listen to now is on the radio, the VH1 top 20 countdown or from a video someone posted on Facebook or a blog. I've still got CDs, but other than my computer, nothing to play them on. Well, that's not entirely true--I did buy the little boom box so I could listen to books on CD in my car when I travel.

Unless I start a new music library with digital music downloaded from the Internet, I'm without music of my own. At about a buck a tune, it will cost a fortune to replace all the songs I'd really like to have. Dirty rotten bastards.

I ain't doing it. I figure about the time I download a good-sized library, the technology will become obsolete and I'll have to start over again. Guess I'll just have to whistle. Whistling is one of the things you do when you're...

The Crotchety Old Man

Inspired Gift Selections

Shopping for Christmas presents has never bothered me. Getting out in the shopping madness is as much a part of the season as greeting cards, decorations and baking. When sufficiently inspired, Christmas shopping is even fun.

Most the time I have no idea what to buy for anyone on my list. Inspiration comes from many sources. I end up putting a lot of thought into a few selections and buy something on impulse for everyone else.

A trip or two to a few big retailers starts the process. Unlike the rest of the year, the heavy traffic doesn't bother me. The crowds don't faze me either. Both are critical elements for inspiring gift ideas.

Shopping is not my favorite activity. Since I rarely hit the stores the rest of the year, the decorations you've seen since September are new to me. The Christmas music is still festive rather than irritating.

A particular specialty of mine is the themed gift box. My niece and nephew are the primary beneficiaries of my most creative themed gift ideas. They will tell you I give the best presents in the world. Others on my list would beg to differ.

Frankly, I've run out of ideas for the regulars on my shopping list. People on the list for a while have received more than their fair share of "interesting" impulse purchases. That I'm now buying gift cards is widely perceived as a good thing.

I have to admit they've got a point. The days of wasting money on something nobody wants or needs are over. Just another reason I remain...

The Crotchety Old Man

Dumped

We started seeing each other back in college. After meeting in class we often got together to prepare for exams. Before long we were seeing each other during the summer and on holidays.

After graduation we continued to see each other. As my interests expanded my affection grew. I thought we'd be together forever. But no...forever wasn't in the cards for us.

Our relationship continued for more than 25 years. Sometimes I hung on every word. There were also times I barely paid attention. You know how it sometimes goes with two who spend a lot of time together.

The trouble started back in 2008. Instead of hooking up every week, we dropped back to every other week. Within a few months we were down to once a month. I should have seen the writing on the wall.

No telling how much time we've spent alone together in the bathroom. What will I do now? Toilet paper origami?

We had something special. Dumping me the way you did after all this time really hurts. It's like you never cared at all.

Goodbye U.S. News and World Report. I'd already decided I wasn't going to renew when my subscription ran out. Things just haven't been the same since you went to the monthly format.

My bowels are in an uproar. Did you really think you could buy me off with 3.2 copies of MONEY for every paid copy remaining in my subscription? Then you don't know...

The Crotchety Old Man

The End of Air Travel...at Least for Me

In the late 1980s my job included a generous travel budget. Flying made it easy and convenient to attend two or three conferences every year. You could even smoke.

Those were the good old days. Since then, the quality of the flying experience has declined...dramatically. The seats keep getting smaller with less distance between rows. Instead of hot meals, they served cold soggy sandwiches with an apple and a cookie and finally, nothing at all.

I'm a big guy--just over six foot tall and more than 200 pounds. My seatmates were often my size or larger. As the airlines crammed more and more seats onto the planes, my comfort level decreased.

Then came 9/11 and the long waits at airports that came with all the security changes. I learned to wear slip-on shoes and to keep my watch, belt and keys in my briefcase until I cleared security. Throw in a tendency to end up with a flu or sinus infection whenever I flew, and flying lost much of its appeal.

My partner and I flew to California two summers in a row a few years ago. The return flight on the last trip was filled to capacity. A psychotic asshole insisted on reclining his seat into my partner's face. When the stewardess intervened, psycho said he had his rights and refused to put his seat back.

It was a long, uncomfortable flight. So much so I vowed it would be my last. I find no enjoyment in paying tons of money to be herded like livestock onto flying boxcars.

That was before TSA cracked down on liquids and airlines started adding charges for everything under the sun. Now I hear they're feeling people up or otherwise humiliating them before they board. No thanks.

If I can't get there by car, I ain't going. You can't make me, either. That's one of the few privileges that come with being...

The Crotchety Old Man

Planning for Technological Change--My Way

My first computer came with two 5-inch floppy drives. You put the software in the A drive and saved your work in the B drive. The monitor had green print on a black screen. We used Wordstar, PC File, and a very simple in-house e-mail system. I used a dot matrix printer for drafts and switched over to an IBM Selectric typewriter for letter-quality documents. Very cool.

In a pattern repeated many times since, about the time I got comfortable with the set up everything changed. The new computer included a hard drive, a drive for 3-inch disks, and a drive for the already obsolete 5-inch floppies The ability to install programs on the hard drive was a big improvement over the old two-drive systems. It was also the last time I had a clue about how to use my computer.

We didn't have computer support staff back then. The "Dummy" books didn't exist either. Everything came with a thick manual written by engineers who probably grew up speaking a language other than English. Over time the manuals did get better, but by then everyone had given up trying to read them. One day the manuals just disappeared, along with free telephone help lines.

For a while I was the guy everyone came to for help with computer issues. Now I know they came to me because I was the youngest person in the office. I, too, eventually turned 30 and was suddenly just as helpless as everybody else.

More than my age, I blame Windows with its dazzling array of capabilities and its allegedly user-friendly interface. Prior to Windows, I knew exactly what my computer could do and how to do it--usually with DOS commands. After Windows came out, we spent hours and hours with control panels and settings struggling valiantly to do simple things as our PCs crashed around us.

It wasn't all bad. Windows did come with a lot of new programs, including a few you might actually use. Some were revolutionary. Offices across the country were forever changed by Hearts, Solitaire and Mine Sweeper.

Things are a lot more sophisticated now. With the change we've seen in the last 30 years, imagine what we might see 10 and 20 years from now. The greatest challenge for our generation? We're going to need to keep someone 20 to 25 years old nearby for the rest of our lives. Otherwise, we'll be stuck with our own version of the VCR at our parents' house that blinks 12:00 all the time.

It's enough to make anyone...

The Crotchety Old Man

Most Offensive Ads...Ever

Television viewing habits are changing. Duh. This we all know. Various technologies make it easier for us to *gasp* skip the commercials. So the industry is trying to come up with new ways to force us to watch ads most of us would rather not see.

The first mildly annoying practice was to constantly display a logo. Especially early on, these were fairly discreet and mostly transparent. Still, I felt invaded. Somehow it just wasn't right for the network to intrude upon my viewing pleasure outside of the usual commercials. Today I barely even notice them.

Then came the little pop-up promos in the corner of the screen. These are full color and several times the size of the original network logo. Now it's not uncommon to have a constant stream of these promoting a half dozen different shows all day long. They are much harder to ignore, but most of the time, I can and do.

Now these pop-up ads have motion and sound--like a little video clip for the television show being hyped. These are so ubiquitous now that they often interfere with your ability to watch the show. The sound is harder to ignore, but at least it doesn't interfere with your ability to see what's going on.

Saturday I was watching Made. There wasn't anything else on, and this episode featured a cheerleader wanna be. I have always wanted to be a cheerleader...always. While other little boys in the neighborhood were playing peewee football, I was busy on the sidelines memorizing cheers. In high school, I knew all the motions for all the cheers...all of them, including the pompom routines. I can still do the pompom routine that went with our school song.

But I digress...

So I'm watching Made on MTV. The chubby little girl has come a long way and is starting to look like a real cheerleader. All of a sudden, a full screen ad for an upcoming MTV show appears DURING the show I was watching. The sound from Made continued, but the picture was completely blocked out for about 15 seconds by this other ad. This happened maybe four or five times during the course of the one-hour show. My head damn near exploded I was so pissed.

We really need to do something to nip this crap in the bud. For starters the next time I see one of these ads, I'm changing channels or turning off the television. Damned if they can make me watch their ads. That's what happens when you mess with...

The Crotchety Old Man

Tempest in a Tea Party

Want to know who in your community lacks a basic understanding of economics? See who attends your local tea party today. Pay particular attention to any elected officials on hand. Support of this movement is a clear indicator they are not qualified to lead given our current economic crisis.

The chief complaint is the massive deficit from all the government spending. Our government is out of control, or so the organizers of this nonevent would have us believe. The truth is that President Obama and his high-caliber team are very much in control and if you ask me, doing everything they can to end this downturn as rapidly as possible.

The simple economic truth is that spending by consumers drives our economy. The more we spend, the better it is for business. When businesses do well they retain or even add employees, continue buying raw materials to make products, and pay taxes to fund our government.

When consumers stop spending, businesses stop production. If spending slows long enough, factories close, employees are laid-off, and the downward spiral begins. More lay-offs mean even less spending by consumers, which leads to more unemployment, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Huge numbers of consumers have stopped or reduced spending. To keep the economy alive, the federal government has significantly increased spending to offset the decline in consumer spending. The big question is whether or not the increase in government spending is large enough to not only stop the downward spiral, but to turn the economy around. Cutting government spending now would just make a bad situation much worse.

Yeah, we'll all have to pay more because it's not realistic to cut taxes with a big deficit. The Taxed Enough Already acronym for the tea party today suggests to me that the very wealthy are behind this movement. After all, they are really the only group facing tax increases. When they make 400 and 500 times as much as the average worker, as is the case with most CEOs today, they should pay more. And until all the Bush tax cuts, they did.

Another possibility is that the anti-Obama movement is hoping to scare elected officials enough that they will cut spending, thereby guaranteeing that our President will fail. Careful what you wish for. If you think things are bad now, let this movement succeed and see how bad things get, fast. It's enough to make anyone...

The Crotchety Old Man

Doctor Stomping on Your Time? Fire Him!

Today I had a 9:00 appointment with my dermatologist. The nurse called me back to the exam room at 9:15. The doctor strolled in at 9:40. I know, because I told myself that I was going to walk out if he didn't come in by 9:45. I knew to set a deadline because I've had to wait as long as 60 minutes in the exam room before seeing this doctor.

The reason for my visit is an area on my back that itches like crazy. It's bothered me for a long time--a good five years and probably longer. The dermatologist has given me about 60 different creams, lotions, and ointments to try without success.

Two visits ago, he excised a knotty spot in the middle of the itchy area that he thought was the likely cause. I went back to have the stitches out. The wound popped open a day or two later. Methinks perhaps the stitches should have stayed in a few days longer. I didn't call him. What was he going to do?

The itch continues. Today he decided to scrape off some of the skin for a look under the microscope. Lo and behold, it is (and likely always has been) a fungus. Ewwww! He gave me yet another cream that I'm to put on it twice a day for three weeks. He assured me this will clear it up. We shall see.

Either way, I don't think I'm going back. He told me he wants to see me in 6 months. When I went to check out, the receptionist (or whatever she is) told me they only make appointments three months out. She gave me a card with instructions to call back in July. Huh?

I ranted in an earlier post about a similar experience with another doctor--my regular physician. Dropped him after a very pleasant experience at the office of a specialist. In fact, the experience was so different from what I consider to be normal that I commented on it. The nurse said there's no excuse for that kind of abuse and I should change doctors. I did, and I'm much happier as a result.

Know any good dermatologists? If so, let me know. Getting rid of one more inconsiderate doctor might be enough to keep me from being...

The Crotchety Old Man

Early Retirement Still A Possibility

Unlike many around me, I'm feeling good about my 403(b) plan and my prospects for eventual retirement. Yes, like everyone else, the value of my retirement holdings has declined--significantly--in the last year or so. If I was thinking about retiring inside of the next ten years, I would be worried.

But I'm not retiring in the next ten years unless I win the lottery or something equally unlikely happens. Depending on how well my investments perform between now and the day I retire, I'm looking at somewhere between 12 and 17 more years. If I cut back on frivolous spending (perish the thought!) and increase contributions to my retirement account, I could maybe retire in ten years if I really, really wanted to.

I could also die tomorrow. For the record, nothing would piss me off more than to scrimp and save for retirement for years only to die before I retire. Since I'm not sure if anger would still be an available option, I've opted to avoid sacrificing for the future beyond what is absolutely necessary. There are no promises or guarantees. It's a gamble any way you go.

I do contribute the maximum that my employer will match to my 403(b) every month. Besides that, I have an IRA that I rolled over from a previous employer, and I contribute to a Roth IRA every month. Along with the proceeds of my investments, I'll get Social Security, and a very small pension for time I put in with an employer years ago. I should have enough to be comfortable--at least, that's what my financial planner tells me. And yes, I pay someone to manage my retirement portfolio. It's way too important to leave in the hands of a rank amateur, like me, for example.

I admit, it hurts to see the balance in my retirement accounts dropping month after month, quarter after quarter. While the value of my holdings has declined, I haven't been hit as hard as a lot of people thanks to a very smart planner. I take consolation in knowing that my monthly contributions are buying stocks, mutual funds, and other investments at bargain-basement prices.

Thanks to dollar cost averaging (the pay-off of regular monthly contributions), my monthly contribution buys less when investments are expensive and more when they are cheap. As a result, I now own many more shares than I could have afforded to buy at last years' prices.

The ironic thing is that depending on the timing and magnitude of the eventual turnaround, it might be more possible for me to retire in ten years than it would have been without the recession. And that, folks, makes me anything but...

The Crotchety Old Man

Economics and the Stimulus

Economic theory is extremely complicated. I know just enough to be dangerous and am glad that I'm not the one having to decide how to deal with the current economic crisis. That said, I think the Republicans got it wrong. Deregulation and lower taxes might work just fine in theory. In practice deregulation has created a land of opportunity for the ethically-challenged, with lower taxes just increasing their profit margins.

Economic theories are built on numerous assumptions. These assumptions are needed so that equations can be derived and whatnot. It's all very complicated but the bottom line is that real people screw everything up. Let's look at just a few economic assumptions.

1) Consumers maximize utility. In English, this means that people make the choices that generate the greatest satisfaction. Except we all know that isn't always the case. People generally do choose the option that they think will turn out best, based on the information they have at the time. That doesn't always work, which is why we say hindsight is twenty-twenty.

2) Perfect information. Economic theories assume that consumers know everything there is to know--that they have perfect information. This idea evolved long before we entered the information age. Now overload is just as much of a problem as too little information. Misinformation abounds. Ignorance is rampant. Fraudulent and deceptive practices thrive in a market where consumers simply don't know any better.

3) Regulation interferes with the ability of market forces to correct problems. The bad guys get weeded out because consumers wise up and take their business elsewhere. Or they change their ways and consumers are happy again. Except we all know it doesn't always work that way. If it did, rent-to-own, payday loans and car title loans wouldn't exist. If consumers had perfect information, they would never enter into these and other bad agreements.

Even the smartest economists are mostly guessing when they attempt to explain or predict economic activity. Yes, they are educated guesses. But in the end, still just guesses. The world economy is complex with countless forces acting on it. Some you can measure, most you can't--so you either assume them away or ignore them. You can use economic theory to argue any side of every issue. It's just a matter of weighing this data a little heavier than that data, and excluding everything else.

It's impossible to know exactly what it's going to take to get out of this crisis. If we knew, we wouldn't be in the crisis in the first place. We could invest billions for research to find out, but by the time we figured it all out it would be way too late. Some aspects of the stimulus plan will work better than others, but we won't know which ones until after the fact. It's guesswork--educated guesswork with conflicting views about what will make a difference and what won't.

I'm not going to worry about it. I feel much better about our prospects now that President Obama is in charge. If the Republicans don't like it, well, they had their chance. Now it's time for Cheney, Gingrich, Rove, Boehner, McConnell, Limbaugh and the other crusty old white men to just shut the hell up and get out of the way.

Big Families as a Status Symbol

I'm part of a huge family. Grannie always said she just had a knack for making babies. A big family made sense back in the 1920s and 30s. Infant mortality rates were high, and particularly among farm families, another pair of hands to help with chores was an asset.

In the 60s and 70s, birth control made it easier to control family size. Large families were less common, but not all that unusual. Rather than another set of hands, another baby was more often seen as another mouth to feed. Larger families became more of a liability when you had to buy rather than grow your food. Population growth became more of an issue for many, and smaller families became the norm.

Large families are back in vogue and appear to be something of a status symbol. I see big families all over the place--shopping malls, grocery stores, and community events. They roll out of the Esplanade in matching outfits as Mom & Dad unfold a stroller that's bigger than some RVs.

The media is all over a gianormous family. There's John & Kate Plus 8--their eight kids (sextuplets and twins). Then we have the Duggars who proudly proclaim 18 and counting. That's right--18 biological kids that dutifully line up for interviews on news and talks shows. And now we have Welfarjolina with her 14 kids in just two litters. You wait--as soon as those little pups can talk they'll be all over television.

For the life of me I can't understand how anyone would think it's OK to have more than 3 or 4 kids in this day and time. Frankly, that's being generous. The Chinese policy that limits couples to one child makes much more sense in this day and age. Does seem, however, that the policy is starting to create an entirely different set of problems. Oh well. At least they get it, and they tried.

Yeah I know. Couples have a right to have as many children as they want. Shoot. You don't even have to be a couple. Single parenthood is all the rage now. If a single mom wants to have 14 kids, who am I to object? Besides, it's immoral to have an abortion. Many believe it's immoral to practice any form of birth control, too. Those same people don't see anything the least bit immoral about a big family like the Duggars. I blame the new math.

We care more about dogs and cats. Thanks to Sarah McLachlan, most people would adopt pets from shelters rather than pet stores or puppy farms, and have those animals spayed or neutered. We're much less concerned about the plight of foster kids that grow up in group homes or bounce around from foster family to foster family without every really finding a home. Maybe the difference is the picture of an actual animal in a shelter that Sarah sends when you donate.

I say let everyone have two biological kids, then off to the spay/neuter clinic with your gonads. If you want more than two kids, you're going to have to adopt them. Hardly seems fair to bring more kids into the world when there are many perfectly good kids out there waiting for homes. Just ask Sally Struthers--and she'll send you a picture, too.

CEO Compensation & Bonuses

I didn't quite know how to react when I heard President Obama bashing Wall Street executives for handing out billions of dollars in bonuses. Did I hear correctly? Was the President of the United States actually looking out for the little guy? Uncle Peter, get me my smelling salts!

Wall Street was quick to respond. Seems overcompensation runs rampant in Manhattan. They have to dole out billions in bonuses to retain the best professionals. And besides, providing bonuses is not illegal.

Maybe not. But for most of the rest of us tax-paying chumps, this kind of behavior just confirms what we've suspected all along. Those Wall Street bastards are only in it for the money.

It's a no-brainer. If you are all about helping people, you become a nurse, social worker, or educator (along with many other professions). If you are all about making obscene amounts of money, then Wall Street and the financial services sector are where you want to be (next to maybe politics, unless of course you are a professional athlete or entertainer). It's the same reason banks get robbed--it's where the money is, stupid.

Want to end the excess? Tax it. That's right. Let's add another tax bracket. Currently, the federal income tax tops out at 35% on income above $357,700. Let's add another bracket and tax income over $XX million at 50%. Shoot, while we're at it let's add one more bracket and tax income above $XXX million at 75%.

I don't care where you draw the lines. The point is that there is some level of income that exceeds common decency. It's just not nice to make billions of dollars a year. I don't have anything against rich people, and admit to being somewhat fascinated by the filthy rich. But when you reach the level of obscenely rich, it's just gross. I mean really, all things in moderation.

One more thing--if you can't get by on $10-15 million a year, you shouldn't be in charge of anything. And you most emphatically have no business being in charge of a big Wall Street firm or bank. Ain't fittin. See a budget counselor. Shoot, for a couple of million I'd be happy to give you some budgeting tips.

If I was rich or filthy rich, I might feel differently. But I'm not. Just another reason I'm....

The Crotchety Old Man

Dogs Should be Tax Deductible

A lot of people cannot afford puppies. Sure, there are plenty of free puppies to be had. But my experience over the last few months suggests that the purchase price is one of the smaller slices of the total cost pie. Becoming a dog owner has become so expensive that the IRS should consider your house dog to be a dependent--just like a human child. It's that expensive.

Besides the purchase price, the initial outlay for equipment and supplies can be significant. One must have the right crate, comfortable bedding, feeding bowl, watering dish, and a toy or two. We also needed three books on chihuahuas, two on dog training, and a subscription to a monthly magazine devoted to the breed. We believe in information.

You have to feed them. This used to be a simple thing. After a full year on Purina Puppy Chow (remember the ads?), you decided on canned or dry and that was it. Now there are endless varieties of top shelf and designer dog foods available in pet stores and from your veterinarian. Some of that stuff looks good enough to eat.

They have to have shots and stuff. Back when Purina Puppy Chow owned the puppy food market, you took puppies in for some cheap shots two or three times, got them "fixed" and then came back every year for a rabies shot. Today it's all that plus pills and potions to keep fleas, ticks, and heart-worms at bay. I've had more face time with the veterinarian in the last 3 months than I had with my physicians in the last year.

You have to see to their education. Nobody likes a bad dog. Tico is home schooled at present. We're thinking about sending him on to some preppy obedience school, but frankly he's so smart and doing so well I'm not sure he needs it. Even without tuition, you have to have the right collar and leash, a clicker, and treats. My observation is to be generous with the treats. Dogs are treat whores.

You have to keep them clean. Nobody likes a smelly dog. You need the right shampoo and for some, like little Tico, conditioner. Some, but never our little dog, might also need a flea comb. You'll need the right kind of brush. Note: "right" used this way throughout this posting means there is trial and error involved in finding just what you need. We have at least two of practically everything.

You have to dress them up and take them places--especially if they are little prissy dogs like chihuahuas. At long last, Tico can wear some of the smallest made-for-dog clothing available. He looks good in Georgia red and black. I've seen a little Georgia cheerleader skirt and top but I didn't buy it because I'm not allowed to dress him up like a little girl dog. I feel like he's comfortable enough with his chihuahua manhood to wear whatever looks good.

But that's just me...

The Crotchety Old Man

Guaranteed Delivery

I got my Christmas shopping done early this year. Don't judge me--I'm not one of those people who always have their shopping done weeks or months ahead of time. In fact, I kind of enjoy getting out in all that mess just days before the holiday.

This year I've dramatically pared down my list. No, it's not about the economy. It's due primarily to a lack of gratitude from the recipients. My niece (8) and nephew (10) are the primary beneficiaries of my holiday largess. He called me twice this year, and sent me several e-mails, including two expressing his desire for me to get well after my surgery and another procedure. Sweet kid. She called once to confirm that we had in fact got a dog. I threatened to send her a lump of coal a few years ago. She informed me that if I did, she'd send me a rotten potato.

I sat down on Thanksgiving Day and ordered most of the gifts I'm giving this year online. I sent a lot of gift baskets. My parents don't need anything, so food or spa gifts are always appreciated. I ended up canceling quite a few orders when I got to the screen where the delivery charges showed up. I don't support highway robbers. Period.

My mother had several Christmas Cacti before she moved to Virginia and was thrilled when they spontaneously bloomed each winter. So being the thoughtful son that I am, I decided it would be nice to send her one for the holidays. Jackson & Perkins had exactly what I was looking for--for $39. I bought two lovely specimens from Lowe's for $5 each a few days earlier, but was willing to pay 8 times as much to have it shipped properly. Then I discovered it was going to cost $15 more for shipping. No thanks. I'll send her $10 and tell her to go to Lowe's.

My nephew is a Pokemon freak. He's been obsessed with all things Pokemon for more than three years. I really don't understand the attraction, but it has made shopping for him for Christmas and birthdays fairly easy. Last year I had a hard time finding Pokemon crap, so when I ran into a new display of all things Pokemon at Kmart a few weeks ago, I loaded up. My niece got a load of crap from American Girl. That stuff never goes on sale, but at least they offer free shipping.

I got all the Pokemon stuff wrapped last weekend--no easy task as it all comes in odd-sized packages. Took it to The UPS Store on Monday. The sales girl was sweet and other than the stud in her nose, a pretty little girl. I can say that because I'm old and gay. She informed me that UPS no longer guarantees regular deliveries to arrive before Christmas. Guaranteed delivery cost twice as much. Given that it was December 8, I told her I'd take regular delivery and if it didn't arrive by Christmas, I wouldn't be using UPS any longer. He got it yesterday.

Sometimes, it's downright fun to be...

The Crotchety Old Man

Cursed Robo Calls

As an early voter, the best thing about election day was the end to the multitude of campaign ads. Unfortunately, we in Georgia weren't so lucky. With the run-off between Saxby Shameless and Jim Martin, we've been inundated with ads. In fact, on several occasions we've had to endure back to back pro Shameless ads.

These ads, as in the case of most TV ads, are easily ignored. Much harder to ignore are the cursed robo calls. I check my caller ID before answering now, and have my phone set to ignore calls from unknown callers. Even so, I still end up answering a lot of unwanted calls.

With the run-off being held tomorrow, today I've received several robo calls encouraging me to vote for Senator Shameless. The thing that pisses me off the most about these calls is that they deprive me of the satisfaction of telling the caller I wouldn't vote for their candidate under any circumstances.

Beyond that, I can't imagine that anyone listens to these stupid messages. As soon as I know it's a robo call, I hang up. I've checked around and the same is true for everyone I know. Is there any evidence that the damn things make any difference? I can't imagine that they're enough to persuade an undecided voter, much less one intending to vote for a different candidate. If anything, I'd guess they rub people the wrong way enough to get them to vote against the candidate making the robo calls.

Anyway, the robo calls and the nasty ads will all be over in a bit more than 24 hours. Until then, I'm going to be...

The Crotchety Old Man

Ooops... Busted! *blush*

You may have noticed that the ads are gone from my blog. Turns out, AdSense gets a little suspicious when all the clicks on ads come from something less than ten computers. So today they have disabled my account for "click violations". Ooops.

I admit that I encouraged selected (liberal or liberal-tolerant) coworkers and friends to visit my blog, not to read the postings but to click on the ads. OK--I sorta wanted them to read the posts, too, but I really wanted them to click on all the ads. We saw it as a kind of payback for enduring ads in unwanted places. I had visions of retiring from my day job and living on my ad revenue.

The presence of the ads completely changed my attitude about blogging. Before the ads, I would sign on and write about whatever was on my mind. After ads, I was all about my Google Analytic statistics and various strategies for increasing visitors to my blog. I searched high and low for other blogs that I could post a comment on in hopes of luring visitors to my blog. Never mind that this mostly just raised my bounce rate.

Now I'm back to blogging for the pure enjoyment of it. The profit motive is gone. I'll probably get a lot more stuff done that doesn't involve a computer, too. And now that my dreams of an early retirement have been crushed, it's back to work.

Corporate Bail-Outs

I'm starting to think that corporate bail outs are the new welfare. We've always heard the right complaining that the folks on welfare shouldn't be compensated for not working, etc. I don't agree with that necessarily--poverty is an extremely complicated issue.

By comparison, business is a pretty straightforward. You develop a product, market it to consumers, and if it's something consumers want or need, they'll buy it. If they don't buy it, then you're probably going to go out of business. Businesses fail every day. Life is hard.

So now we're talking about bailing out the big three American automakers. Seems nobody is buying the products they're producing. Wah! For at least the last 20 years, foreign automakers--many now with plants in the U.S.--have been gaining market share because they are selling products people want to buy. It's not just fuel efficiency. Check the dependability ratings provided by Consumer Reports. Many foreign-made vehicles simply do not have the problems of their American-made counterparts.

Fuel efficiency has driven a lot of the switch to foreign made cars. It's not like rising gas prices came out of the blue. We've known for quite a while now that sooner or later, oil production is going to dry up. With China, India and other developing countries exponentially increasing their desire for gasoline, the shortage is probably going to come sooner rather than later. Even if supplies last, increased demand is going to mean higher prices. Have American automakers responded? Nope. And now they want a bail out. Wah!

Helen and Margaret (a very popular blog and one that I follow) today suggested that perhaps the oil companies should be the ones to bail out the auto industry. Great idea! They've been in bed together for decades anyway. While we're at it, why don't we let the sleazy hedge fund managers that made billions of dollars just last year bail out Wall Street? A thorough study of where and how dollars flow would likely turn up lots of other good sources for bail out funds other than tax payers.

The emerging pattern is that corporate entities that failed to exercise due diligence and continued to operate under lousy business plans are getting bailed out with tax payer dollars. What kind of incentive is that? To make matters worse, the same logic is being used to save homeowners that bought more house than they could afford and over-leveraged with home equity loans putting them underwater or upside down on their loans. Wah!

The mantra for welfare reform was making work pay. The new mantra for corporate welfare reform should be about rewarding businesses that succeed. If you don't have a good business plan and you can't move your product, you shouldn't be rewarded with tax payer dollars. That this appears to be happening all over the place keeps me...

The Crotchety Old Man

How Much is Enough?

Today I read about the five hedge fund managers and their testimony before Congress. They made a little money, too. Philip Falcone made $1,700,000,000 managing hedge funds that made tons of money for his co-conspirators...err investors. George Soros and Jim Simon made $2,900,000,000 last year managing hedge funds. John Paulson made $3,700,000,000 last year managing hedge funds. Poor little Ken Griffin only managed to bilk us out of a measly $1,500,000,000.

Criminal--absolutely criminal. Is it possible for someone to make this kind of money without somehow ripping off the rest of us? I don't think so. One way or another, they are stealing us all blind. The financial services industry, the media (or the multinational companies that own them), and the politicians are all in bed together, and we're paying the bill--to the tune of $700 billion plus. Watch how much of that $700 billion ends up in the pockets of folks like Falcone, Soros, Simon, Paulson and Griffin. Nice work if you can get it.

Maybe I'm a socialist--or a Marxist--call me whatever you like. I think that income beyond a certain level should be heavily taxed. Surely a few million a year is enough for anyone to live on. If not, you need some budget counseling and I'd be happy to provide it. In fact, I would be more than happy to provide these hedge fund managers with counseling and I wouldn't charge more than $1,000,000--I promise.

Yeah I know. Taxing the rich quashes productivity. I think that's just a line of bull we've been sold. I say give it a shot and we'll see. It might make some of these greedy bastards find a real job creating value for someone other than themselves and their already wealthy co-conspirators. I think they're all sociopaths with absolutely no regard for the rest of us.

I pay my taxes. I pay my bills. I've never borrowed money I couldn't afford to repay. And today, thanks to the hanky panky of these dudes and others like them, I'm watching the value of my retirement portfolio drop a few thousand dollars every day. Totally pisses me off, and just another reason I'm...

The Crotchety Old Man

Gasoline Prices in Athens

I had to go to Jonesboro yesterday. The good news is that you can get to Jonesboro (just south of Atlanta in world famous Clayton County) without ever having to get on an Interstate. It was a beautiful day and all in all, a pleasant trip.

I filled up before I left Athens and paid $2.39 a gallon. Other than a couple of places in Athens, that was the highest price for gasoline I saw all day. In Conyers, gas was only $2.18 a gallon. Outside of Athens, the highest price I saw was $2.28 a gallon.

Gasoline prices are always higher in Athens. It's been that way for a long time, and I'd really like to know why. It doesn't matter which way you head out of Athens, within about 30 minutes you'll find gasoline that is at least ten cents cheaper on the gallon.

Maybe it's because we're a college town. I doubt that's the reason because other college towns don't seem to have the problem. Or perhaps it's because of football--the population nearly doubles here for home games and it would be tacky just to charge more on weekends. Whatever the reason, I'd be willing to bet that it's not because retailers here pay more than retailers elsewhere do for gasoline.

It just doesn't make any sense. There's no conceivable reason why we should have to pay so much more than folks elsewhere in Georgia. It's this kind of crap that makes me...

The Crotchety Old Man