Friday, June 12, 2009

Live Every Day Like It's Your Last

I heard a cancer survivor on the radio this morning encouraging listeners to live every day like it is your last. I've heard this sage advice many times. It always strikes me as heroic, particularly when it comes from someone who has dealt with something as scary as cancer.

So I got to thinking about what I would do if I really thought today was going to be my last day. I would certainly make some pretty big changes. I got excited just thinking about it.

No more exercise. Nope. It's too late now so forget about it. I've never enjoyed sweating--even during sex. I grew up with central air and know how to use it. Nope. I'll gaze upon my fatness and appreciate every single day I watched television when I could have been exercising.

Speaking of central air--no more programmable thermostat. Nope. From now on I'm going to keep it cool enough to see your breath all the time. What do I care...I'll be dead when the bill arrives.

No more saying no to all my favorite foods. Nope. If I'm going out tomorrow, there is a long list of things I'm going to need to eat today. Most of it will be fried and/or have sugar as a main ingredient. No need to worry about trans-fats.

No more eating crap I don't like because it's supposed to be good for me. Artificial sweeteners, lite and no fat varieties, soy-based foods and anything that comes from a goat are hereby forever banned from my plate.

No more saving for retirement. In fact, I'm going to cash it all in and see how much of it I can burn through before I die. I want one of those motorized wheel-chair thingies--with baskets for my purchases. There's no time to order one from the 800 number so I guess I'll just steal one from Walmart.

Home maintenance chores? Like I'm really going to spend my last day cleaning toilets, mowing the yard or mucking gunk out of gutters. Nope. Not gonna happen. I might run the vacuum cleaner, but that's just me and this thing I have about clean floors.

But alas, today is probably not my last. God-willing I'll be around for at least a few more days. Guess that means no banana split with chocolate cake and doughnuts tonight. Dammit. The fact that I can't live like there is no tomorrow makes me...

The Crotchety Old Man

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