Friday, December 31, 2010


Instead of easily broken and quickly forgotten resolutions, I try to identify priorities for the coming year. The emphasis shifts to sticking with a plan rather than accomplishing specific goals. For 2011 I'm reverting back to resolutions. Instead of the dozens I could and should make, I have one: to finish my book.

My four-day write-a-thon has ended. Despite devoting more than sixty hours to it, I didn't make it to the end of the story. I did, however make significant progress in that direction.

Reading what I'd written before my little hiatus was more enjoyable than expected. Previous re-reads always resulted in significant revisions with massive rewrites and completely reorganized sections. This time I corrected a few typos, made some minor edits and that was it.

After reading the draft, most people comment on my amazing memory. I've blogged about my memory before. Since then I've come to appreciate that creating the illusion of detailed memories is part of the art of writing.

I do recall some things in vivid detail. But mostly not. Things that happened often like Christmas, family reunion picnics and school dances, get all mixed up together in my mind and are difficult to tie to specific years. I piece something together from my memories that feels real to me and move on.

Most details about my early life come from stories I heard over and over and over again. Friends from every stage of my life have been very helpful and often trigger new memories by asking about something I had until that moment forgotten all about. Readers ask questions that either trigger a memory or cause me to research the answer.

The amount of research required, even for a story about me, is astounding. The Internet helps a lot. Google provides the answer to most my questions. Sometimes Wikipedia is sufficient. If not, digging a little deeper often turns up links with historical information that comes in handy. has been surprisingly useful. Information provided by relatives about the dates some people were born or died turned out to be wrong. Except for my Aunt Mary, I was easily able to locate birth and death records that cleared up any confusion.

To make whatever part I'm working on make sense, I often go back and insert paragraphs in chapters I thought were done. Finding the right spot to insert the detail can be time consuming, but adds richness and texture to the story. The reader has no idea half the paragraphs were inserted after the chapter was already "finished". Just another way the illusion is created and fostered.

Besides getting to the end of the story, there's still work to do. One of the chapters is too long, several chapters end rather abruptly and a few don't really add anything to the story. Knowing chapters have a way of changing after I thought they were done, I'll wait until I make it to the end to deal with these issues.

But now it's back to my old journals. They're very useful for turning up little tidbits of information and for the sequence of events. Mostly they bore the hell out of me. No wonder I'm...

The Crotchety Old Man

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Matters of Style

I started working on the book again today. More precisely I started reading the manuscript from page one with a pencil in my hand. Re-reading helps me to catch a lot of wrong-word problems (like right instead of rite) and typos.

I'm home alone for the next few days and am really hoping to get to the end. Given my goal to finish I'm paying a lot more attention to sentence structure and punctuation. Thanks to early drills, lots of reinforcement throughout my school years and tons of practice, my writing tends to be grammatically correct.

That I continue to write the way I was taught back in high school sometimes causes problems. Different publications use different rules. Having written in multiple universes, there are a few areas that are particularly problematic.

Do you go the park with Wendy, John, and Mary? Or did you go with Wendy, John and Mary? In my opinion, the first version with the comma after John is technically more correct. Most editors, however, prefer the version without the comma. I have it both ways in my manuscript.

I often beg to differ with editors about the placement of punctuation in relation to quotation marks. With few exceptions, I place the punctuation after the quotation mark rather than before. She went to the store to buy a copy of "Lord of the Rings".

If the quotation was a complete sentence rather than a phrase, I'd include the punctuation inside the quotation marks. "She went to the store to buy a book." Most editors always want the punctuation inside the quotation marks.

If everyone did it my way the world would be a better place. That they don't is just another reason I remain...

The Crotchety Old Man

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Things I Never Learned in Driver's Ed

I see a lot of things on the road they never taught me in driver's education classes. The curriculum has likely been updated several times since I took the course nearly 40 years ago. Here's what younguns appear to be learning today.

1) To get to the McDonald's across the street from the gas station you're at now, it's perfectly acceptable to zip straight across six lanes of traffic. Safer options are too time consuming. With gas prices as they are, take the most direct route at all times.

2) When attempting to turn left from a side street or parking lot onto a busy road, roll on out into the road a little bit. Oncoming traffic will have to stop so you can make the turn. Performing this maneuver as often as possible saves hours and hours of time you'd otherwise spend waiting to make turns.

3) Leave at least two car lengths between you and the car in front of you when you stop for traffic lights and stop signs. The extra space will keep you from getting trapped in the event the vehicle in front of you breaks down. You'll also have more time to react should the person in front of you throw their vehicle into reverse for no apparent reason.

4) Instead of just nosing out when making a left turn onto a busy street in heavy traffic, pull all the way out. It's perfectly acceptable to block all the lanes between you and the lane you desire while you wait for an opening. Nobody minds. Those horns you hear are applause.

5) It's perfectly acceptable to wait to make a hopeless left turn out of a parking lot onto a busy road in 5:00 traffic from the only exit. Turning right makes no sense if that's not where you want to go. Patience is a virtue--just keep waiting.

6) You can change your mind about where you want to go. The fact you're in the right lane should never prevent you from hooking left across five lanes of traffic to hit Krispy Kreme while the red light is on. Anyone who's had a hot one will understand.

7) Turn signals are optional and nearly obsolete. Unless you're eating or putting on make-up, everyone knows you need one hand for the steering wheel and one for your cell phone. Besides, it's really nobody's business where I'm going.

8) On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means floor it. Red means stop, unless of course you've been waiting forever and should have had a turn a long time ago. Blinking lights of any color mean every man for himself.

9) At four-way stops, whoever has the biggest cahones goes first. If in doubt, it's safe to assume it's not you. Wait until you grow a set to move forward.

10) You can do whatever you want in a parking lot. Directional arrows on the pavement are just decorations. Unless you can pull through, always back into your parking space.

These are just a few of the tricks I've learned. Now I'm ready to offer offensive driving lessons. If you're interested, contact...

The Crotchety Old Man

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Strange Gifts

Yesterday I went through the drive-thru at Zaxby's for my regular grilled house salad with honey mustard dressing (two packs) and iced tea, half sweet and half unsweet. My waist would prefer unsweet with a splash of sweet but I figure that's asking a bit much. A wise man avoids pissing off the folks who feed him.

I pulled out my wallet and proceeded to the window. The friendly drive-thru guy handed me my food and told me to keep my money. All this week lunch is free for regulars. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Thanks!

A team of medical professionals keeps the Crotchety Old Man on this side of the grass. In a concurrence of appointments that happens even less often than this weeks' lunar eclipse, I had to see all but my proctologist this month. Talk about a pain in the ass.

First I saw the dermatologist. Poison ivy is one of the few things that doesn't irritate my skin. She refilled my prescriptions and wrote a new one for a foot cream that dissolves callouses. Two weeks later my feet feel like I just came from a pedicure. Thanks!

The next appointment was with my rotund regular doctor. I want to fire him but am having trouble finding a replacement I haven't already fired. The ice cold blood in my heartless body shrinks my veins and makes me hard to stick. I was thrilled the technician got the blood for lab work on the first stick. The results were good, too. Yay!

A dental crown popped off over the weekend. The dentist squeezed me in Monday afternoon to put it back on. His assistant talking about having bought gift cards at Kroger for the gas discount reminded me I had purchased enough for the discount and needed gas. My crown went back in without any problems and he didn't charge me for a visit. Thanks!

On the way home I stopped for gas. My Kroger purchases resulted in 40 cents off a gallon. Woo hoo! Driving over to the next county for gas only saves me 20 cents a gallon, so I was thrilled. Thanks!

Today I saw the retina specialist. I was hoping not to need another eye injection. I had to have one, but that my vision has improved significantly since my first appointment a few months ago made it easier to take. Vision is a great gift. Thanks!

I've got a reputation to uphold. All these strange gifts take some of the crotchety out of my sails. This time of year it's not easy being...

The Crotchety Old Man

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Ring Cellphones Ring

When I was younger most my holiday shopping took place in the week before Christmas. Last minute shopping reduced the chances I'd spill the beans before the big day, but only so much. Keeping secrets has never been my forte.

In those days everyone on my gift list lived in Lexington. Now they're spread out across several states. Waiting until the last minute is no longer an option.

Except for a few items, I'm pretty sure I finished my shopping last week. To spare myself a day of wrapping hell, I've been wrapping as I go. The inability to remember what I bought forced me out into the last-minute frenzy.

I can go from zero to crotchety in a heartbeat. Any other time of the year, the traffic, crowded aisles, long check-out lines and absence of anything even vaguely resembling service would push all my buttons. Not this time of year. The Christmas spirit takes over and I'm the very picture of patience and goodwill.

Don't believe me? I don't blame you. So here's proof:

The slutty girl on the cellphone didn't bother me a bit. Her boyfriend REALLY screwed up this time. Hooking up with strangers is one thing, but sleeping with her room-mate was just trashy. I'd say it was almost as trashy as talking about it on your cellphone in the middle of a busy Target.

The girl that nearly ran me over in the Kroger parking lot didn't piss me off either. Yeah, I noticed she was talking on her cellphone and drinking a coke as she drove. I picked up my prescription and saw her trying to select a home pregnancy test. Merry Christmas honey.

I didn't bite the head off the old lady with too much make-up and a lop-sided wig, either. She blocked the aisle as she dug through a gianormous purse to find her ringing cellphone. After she finally found it, she reported on her gift selections for a seemingly endless stream of progeny and was totally oblivious to the gridlock she had created.

Without my glasses, I see better with a little distance. Women on cellphones came and stood between me and the display I was scoping out not less than half a dozen times. They didn't even acknowledge me. I didn't bitch-slap a single one.

I doubt I'll get a thank you note. I don't care. If that's not the Christmas spirit, then I'm not...

The Crotchety Old Man

Friday, December 17, 2010

Top Ten for 2010

Having spent much of the past week working on annual reports, I'm in a reflective mode. Year-end wrap-ups are in. Here are the 2010 top ten for me.

1) Last year we decided to spend the money redecorating instead of buying each other Christmas presents. Hated it. My disappointment with the holiday did, however, spur us to paint four rooms and resulted in a lot of presents under the tree this year.

2) I spent $85 for a watch battery. It's a long story. You can read about it here.

3) I started enforcing some boundaries. After finding out more than I wanted to know about some coworkers, I spent a weekend un-friending about 200 Facebook friends. Most of them know each other, which likely explains why only one or two have since sent friend requests.

4) Writing posts about my salad days was a blast. One post turned into two, and in no time I had written more than 30 (see Trauma Car Tales, the Prequel and the Elite Fleet). Since then I've been writing a book--something I never thought I could do.

5) My years-long craving for a supreme pizza from Sir Pizza was satisfied with an even better meat-lover's pizza during a whirlwind trip to Lexington. Reconnecting with friends I didn't know I had or hadn't seen for years was the highlight of the summer. For better and worse, people really don't change.

6) A year ago I didn't know a thing about my great grandparents. Since then I've spent countless hours clicking leaves to research my family tree. The records I'm examining now date back to the 12th and 13th centuries. Interesting stuff.

7) I bought some cool stuff. The rechargeable blower and trimmer/edger (two devices) are the greatest power tools I've ever owned. I also upgraded to a smartphone. Technology can be your friend.

8) The universe withstood my visit to church. It wasn't the right church for me, which I of course knew before going. Don't take it personally but I can promise your church is not the one for me either.

9) After a decades-long relationship, my news magazine dumped me. More honestly it's going out of print and will only be available online. Sorry, I'm not taking my laptop to the bathroom. The smartphone, well, that's a different story.

10) Even without Farmville, Cityville, Mafia Wars and the rest, I'm totally addicted to Facebook. Being in touch with people from every era of my life on a near daily basis is great. Thanks for being my constant companions.

I also went another year without punching anyone for saying Facebook wastes too much time. But don't push me. It's not nice to mess with...

The Crotchety Old Man

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Changes and Challenges

If technology was my thing, this blog would look a lot nicer than it does. I'd change the appearance now and then and throw in a few bells and whistles to make the site more interesting. You probably wouldn't notice, but fooling around with the settings would be interesting to me.

Observant readers may notice a few minor changes. A button within every post enables you to share it via Twitter, Facebook and other options. I have no idea how or if it works but figured somebody might use it.

Friends will see The Adventures of Tico and Toodles is no longer listed on my blog list. The pups will continue to make random appearances in this blog but are simply too busy to maintain a blog of their own. Chihuahuas are a very busy breed.

Instead, I've added links to A Little Time with Me and Children Teaching Mama. The writers read my blogs before starting blogs of their own. No doubt they were inspired by me. Never mind that both blogs are far more successful than mine has ever been.

I've also added a link to Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars because it's time he found out about me. I've known about Yells@Cars since my first post. He hadn't posted in so long I figured he was either in a nursing home without Internet access or dead.

Though I'm glad he's still kicking, it's unlikely that me and Yells@Cars will be friends. He says youse, where I'm more of a y'all guy. Besides, he's got a Yorkie and his blog posts keep showing up ahead of mine in Google searches.

Yell at cars all you want. But watch your back. I'm going to take that top spot on Google searches because I am...

THE Crotchety Old Man

Monday, December 13, 2010

My Holiday Epiphany

Have you seen the commercial for Hallmark's new service? Upload your family photos and design your custom card online. Hallmark will stamp, address and mail your cards for you.

Are you kidding me? The very idea pissed me off so much I nearly threw my eggnog at the television. I didn't because eggnog is one thing I still like about the holidays.

If it's the thought that counts, then it follows one must spend a lot of time getting ready for the holidays. Every aspect must be carefully over-thought and planned down to the last detail. It's's supposed to be overwhelming.

One should spend hours thinking about and shopping for the right purchase. Time is the greatest gift of all, right? Dodging traffic and the hunt for a parking place via the Internet just isn't fair.

Buying gift cards is not one of my favorite things. That I decide which gift cards to buy helps, even if it doesn't allow a lot of room for creativity. That you can buy about any gift card you could want from the grocery store makes it even worse.

If we're going to bake cookies then instead of ready-made dough I expect to see sugar, flour and eggs. I can have cake from a box any time. For Christmas I want a lovely homemade applesauce or jam cake with caramel icing and a slice of chocolate meringue pie. I did say it was Christmas, didn't I?

Same with decorations. We have a beautiful artificial tree. Putting it together and taking it down requires some effort. It's cheaper over the long run, easier on the environment and not nearly as messy as a live tree.

Still, it's just not the same. Trekking through rows of recently cut evergreens in search of the perfect specimen, trying to make it stand up straight in the stand and then finding the best side are part of the holidays, too. Candles and sprays can't replace the fragrance of a live tree, either.

For gifts it's OK to use the gift wrapping service available at nicer department stores, especially if you upgrade from the free option. Otherwise each gift should be beautifully wrapped and artfully embellished at home. See Martha Stewart's web site for suggestions.

I detest the annual form letter included with many holiday greeting cards. I know they're efficient. I feel the same way about mailing labels. You wouldn't use them on a wedding invitation. Why is it OK to use them with Christmas cards?

I reflected on my anger over a bowl of peppermint ice cream--another holiday tradition I very much enjoy. The truth hit me like a brain freeze. Anything intended to make it easier to get ready for Christmas pisses me off.

Getting ready for Christmas isn't supposed to be easy. If it doesn't hurt at least a little, you're not doing it right. Where I got that message I'll never know. Add it to the list of things that make me...

The Crotchety Old Man

Saturday, December 11, 2010

All You Can Eat

A statewide organization I belong to coordinates a professional development day once a year. The annual professional development day revolves around a different event every year. Mostly it's an opportunity to have fun with colleagues from elsewhere in the state.

For no particular reason I haven't participated in the professional development day for a couple of years. A month or so ago they announced the 2010 day would be a walking food tour in downtown Athens. Since it was close I decided to sign up.

The day of the event I had second thoughts. The temperature was a chilly 40 degrees. As it was too late to back out, I told myself at least the sun was out and headed out to the University of Georgia Arches to meet up with the group.

Our tour guide originated the Athens Walking Food Tours. She also runs a dog sitting service and teaches several spin classes. For her real job she works at the State Botanical Garden. Did I mention she's only 24? This kid is clearly going places.

The walking tour started at 11:00. Over the next three hours we hit six different locally-owned establishments for tastings. I worried about getting enough to eat.

We started off at Jittery Joe's with coffee samples and an interesting coffee-roasting demonstration. Our coffeemaker at home uses whole beans (Eight O'Clock in the brown bag because it's cheap and Consumer Reports says it's the best). I'm going back to Jittery Joe's soon to start the process of identifying my own favorite.

Our second stop was Whiplash Cafe on the ground floor of a new high-rise. We had pizza (artichoke and asparagus) and a nice Caesar bow-tie pasta salad. I'd never even heard of this place but definitely plan on going back.

The third and fourth stops were familiar to me. We had a salad and two pasta dishes at La Dolce Vita--all better than what I recalled from an earlier visit shortly after they opened. I want to go back for more of the penne and sausage. Yum!

At Casa Mia we had a glass of Sangria (available in red or white) and pigged out on a variety of tapas. I've been to Casa Mia several times. The food is good but the dishes are hard to share--the key reason for going to a tapas restaurant.

Clocked (no web page) was the fifth stop on our tour. Though primarily vegan, the burgers have been voted Athens' Best more years than not. They served a fourth of a burger (topped with peanut butter and bacon), their famous sweet potato fries and a blueberry milkshake.

The last stop on our tour was Yoguri Ice Cream (no web site). I've heard great things but unfortunately, was too stuffed to even think about dessert. In fact, I skipped it, waddled back to my car and didn't eat again until lunch the next day.

There are several different tours available here in Athens. I definitely want to check out some of the tours for parts of Athens outside of downtown. It was fun and the time flew by.

Walking food tours are popping up all over the country. If they have one where you live, check it out. If not, come to Athens and take ours. I highly recommend it.

Though fat and happy, I'm still...

The Crotchety Old Man

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Inspired Gift Selections

Shopping for Christmas presents has never bothered me. Getting out in the shopping madness is as much a part of the season as greeting cards, decorations and baking. When sufficiently inspired, Christmas shopping is even fun.

Most the time I have no idea what to buy for anyone on my list. Inspiration comes from many sources. I end up putting a lot of thought into a few selections and buy something on impulse for everyone else.

A trip or two to a few big retailers starts the process. Unlike the rest of the year, the heavy traffic doesn't bother me. The crowds don't faze me either. Both are critical elements for inspiring gift ideas.

Shopping is not my favorite activity. Since I rarely hit the stores the rest of the year, the decorations you've seen since September are new to me. The Christmas music is still festive rather than irritating.

A particular specialty of mine is the themed gift box. My niece and nephew are the primary beneficiaries of my most creative themed gift ideas. They will tell you I give the best presents in the world. Others on my list would beg to differ.

Frankly, I've run out of ideas for the regulars on my shopping list. People on the list for a while have received more than their fair share of "interesting" impulse purchases. That I'm now buying gift cards is widely perceived as a good thing.

I have to admit they've got a point. The days of wasting money on something nobody wants or needs are over. Just another reason I remain...

The Crotchety Old Man

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Things Jerry Springer Taught Me

Teeth are optional.
Homemade tattoos are cool.
Rednecks are in every state.
Hair extensions rip out easy.
Love triangles are everywhere.
Drunk people will screw anyone.
Anyone can get laid at least once.
Love is completely and totally blind.
The world revolves around strip clubs.
Hair-pulling should be a sport, like boxing.
Fist-fighting with your mother is just wrong.
Girls mess around when the boyfriend is in jail.
Wearing a wedding dress is a disadvantage in a fight.
When girls fight, whoever pulls out the most hair wins.
Strippers and prostitutes go for guys with anger issues.
Never underestimate the fighting ability of a drag queen.
A surprising amount of fornication takes place in trailer parks.
Some people have no idea they've been boinking a transsexual.
A table of food and a few angry people always ends in a food fight.
Forcefully removing the wig changes the appearance of most women.
Revealing an intimate secret on national television never turns out well.
Girls will flash their boobs on national television for cheap plastic beads.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A Man With A Plan

I'm taking an extended break from working on the book. Between the holidays and end-of-year deadlines at work, time is in short supply. I'll have plenty of time for writing after Christmas. Besides, the last break from the book did me a world of good.

Earlier this year I met someone we'll call Mr. Ego. After we met he had his people send me his self-published autobiography. I found it in the bottom of the box that arrived in my office along with a t-shirt, custom-made chocolate chip cookies and a baseball cap--all bearing his personal logo.

Considering he's probably the best-looking man I've ever met in person, I was interested in his story. Even with the cookies, the book was a bit more Mr. Ego than I could stomach. The pages quickly grew too heavy to turn.

Mr. Ego's book weighs heavy on my mind lately. A dozen readers (including several of you) have graciously volunteered to read an unfinished draft. In some cases, that's volunteered with air quotes around it. I literally can't wait to hear from them.

I fear the worst. Is the manuscript so boring that reading it is a chore rather than a pleasure? That anyone might perceive my book the way I saw Mr. Ego's book keeps me awake at night.

Writing a memoir is certainly the most self-indulgent thing I've ever done. I can't think of a topic that interests me more than myself. Writing about me is fun and exceedingly interesting. The trick is to make it interesting to other people.

Seeing Mr. Ego's book and reacting to it as I did definitely influenced my approach. Tooting my own horn is not allowed. The book isn't about me so much as my experience growing up gay before it was cool to even have gay friends.

Early feedback has been positive. The first person in the book to read it keeps bugging me for additional chapters--and I love him for it. Though somewhat biased, my biggest fan and supporter loves it, too. So far, so good. I just need to be patient.

If you're still looking for gift ideas, author and Yale Theology Professor Carlos Eire has been on the radio lately talking about his new book, "Learning to Die in Miami". He won the 2003 National Book Award for nonfiction for his memoir, "Waiting for Snow in Havana." The new book is a sequel.

What? I thought writing one memoir was self-serving. It never even occurred to me a person could write two memoirs. Now that it has, I'm intrigued!

Shoot, why stop at a sequel? I'm young enough for a trilogy. The first volume would be Glass Houses. I just need to figure out how to end it. The second has to be Shattered Glasses. The third would be a broader reflection on my life as a whole. Guess I'd have to call it The Making of...

The Crotchety Old Man

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Catching the Christmas Spirit

Last weekend I started my Christmas shopping list. Sorry Cathy, you're out. The rest of you won't be getting those panties from the Snazzy Drawer Outlet, either. The economy and an absence of credit card debt have caused me to curtail my usual largess.

Although tough choices had to be made, deciding who to put on the list was relatively easy. Deciding what to buy was a bit more of a challenge. It always is. To some extent, isn't rising to the challenge what Christmas is about?

My ability to catch the Christmas spirit varies from one year to the next. Last year it eluded me completely. I blame gift cards. Yeah, getting them is great but buying them takes all the fun out of giving.

In recent years Internet purchases have accounted for more than half my holiday purchases. Not this year. I only ordered one hard-to-find item and a couple of gifts for out-of-towners on my list.

I reluctantly accepted that gift cards were the best choice for practically everyone else on my list. While this is likely good news for the recipients, buying gift cards makes me crotchety. My Christmas spirit meter was stuck at zero.

In a last ditch effort to get some ideas and to catch some holiday spirit I ran out to browse our one and only shopping mall. A random stop on my way inspired a great gift idea. Putting it together has been a blast. My Christmas spirit soared.

I didn't buy a thing at the mall, unless you count the long-sleeved Polo shirts in colors I've wanted that were nearly half off at Macy's. Nobody would know. Merry Christmas to me! My Christmas spirit meter hit "joyful".

As I was paying the busybody salesclerk asked if the shirts were for me. "Mind your own business, bitch" immediately sprung to mind. Instead I handed her my money, smiled and replied with a polite "yes ma'am."

Even I was surprised. Were it not for the Christmas spirit I caught on that random stop, the outcome might have been dramatically different. After all, I am...

The Crotchety Old Man

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


We started seeing each other back in college. After meeting in class we often got together to prepare for exams. Before long we were seeing each other during the summer and on holidays.

After graduation we continued to see each other. As my interests expanded my affection grew. I thought we'd be together forever. But no...forever wasn't in the cards for us.

Our relationship continued for more than 25 years. Sometimes I hung on every word. There were also times I barely paid attention. You know how it sometimes goes with two who spend a lot of time together.

The trouble started back in 2008. Instead of hooking up every week, we dropped back to every other week. Within a few months we were down to once a month. I should have seen the writing on the wall.

No telling how much time we've spent alone together in the bathroom. What will I do now? Toilet paper origami?

We had something special. Dumping me the way you did after all this time really hurts. It's like you never cared at all.

Goodbye U.S. News and World Report. I'd already decided I wasn't going to renew when my subscription ran out. Things just haven't been the same since you went to the monthly format.

My bowels are in an uproar. Did you really think you could buy me off with 3.2 copies of MONEY for every paid copy remaining in my subscription? Then you don't know...

The Crotchety Old Man
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