Sunday, May 23, 2010


Margie was an x-ray technician at Saint Joseph Hospital. Her older sister, Linda, took care of me the night I got sick at the after-hours party. As is often the case with sisters, the two were as different as night and day.

Whereas Linda was generally the center of attention, Margie was intentionally understated and reserved. She had shoulder-length hair more auburn than red and wore little to no make-up. Rather than standing out in a crowd like her sister, Margie wanted to blend in.

We hit it off the minute we met and were soon dating. Her razor-sharp wit and dry sense of humor cracked me up. I've often thought Margie was the girl I would have been happiest marrying had I been straight. If a frog had wings...

One night we decided to take in a midnight movie at the brand new South Park multiplex theater. Already drunk, we went through the drive-through at the liquor store for cigarettes and a pint of bourbon to take into the movie with us. As I recall, we also got cups of ice and a coke. Those were the good-old days.

We chugged stiff drinks in the parking lot, stashed the rest of the pint in my coat and headed for the packed lobby. At the ticket counter I fumbled with my wallet for several minutes without success. Margie took the wallet from me and after struggling for another couple of minutes, handed it to the cashier. Here, you do it.

With tickets in hand we retreated to a quieter corner of the lobby to regroup before hitting the concession stand. True or not, I thought everyone was looking at us and said so. Margie said we should act normal and just wave. We waved like beauty queens on a parade float. No telling what people thought.

We both still lived at home when we started dating. I don't recall the particulars but somehow we were planning to spend a night together on the upcoming weekend. Without coming out and saying it, we both knew it was going to be "the" night.

While getting ready I discovered a tiny little crawling insect on me. After I started looking I found several more. What the hell? Mom!!!!

Mom quickly determined the problem was a raging case of crab lice. Honest, I must have acquired the nasty little buggers on a toilet seat or something. When I found out how they were typically transmitted, well...I was mortified.

I called my Doctor, got the Physician's Exchange and left a message. He called me back minutes later. I told him I had a bad case of crabs. He asked if they were more on the left side or the right. I said they appeared to be evenly distributed.

His questions led me to believe crabs were a lot more harmful than I knew. He asked if I was passing a lot of gas. I said no more than usual. Was I passing blood? No.

After I answered all his questions he said there wasn't anything he could do. If it got worse I should call him back and meet him at the emergency room. Huh? Once he realized we were never talking about cramps he quickly called in a prescription.

By then I was already supposed to be picking Margie up. I called to explain something had come up and I wasn't going to make it. She said she wasn't surprised and hung up on me.

After I left the hospital we lost touch. She called me out of the blue about 9 one night several years later to see if she could come by. I said yes and told her where I lived.

She knocked on the door about 15 minutes later. When I opened the door she started kissing me. Moments later she pushed me down on the couch and laid down on top of me to kiss me some more.

We ended up making out on the couch in the living room for a good hour or longer. She never said a word, and shut me up with more demanding kisses whenever I tried to talk. I had no idea what was going on and frequently said so.

Finally, she got up, straightened her clothes and said she had to go. I told her it was good to see her. She apologized. She'd been out drinking and dancing with friends and apparently become a little horny. She said I was the only guy she knew she trusted not to take advantage of the situation.

After she left I watched her walk across the parking lot. She turned and waved before getting into her car. I never saw her again.

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